-: Part 10 :-
I head into my bathroom, turning on the light and standing in front of the mirror, looking at my reflection for a long moment. I don't really look any different, but my eyes look hazy and distant. I shake my head, and get together all the supplies for my nightly routine: cotton balls, make-up remover, washcloth, face wash, tweezers, moisterizer. But it's a routine, so it's not long before my mind starts wandering, my hands don't need my mind to concentrate on them to do such a frequent set of motions.
It was so weird, and almost creepy, and so out of nowhere... and while I can make up a list of random people it could have been, it really doesn't sound like any of them, and it's weird that--- well I guess it's not weird that they got my screenname, it's not like I make a secret of it or anything, like it's on my MySpace and shit, I don't really care if they know it, I can always block people if they piss me off but like... why would they even send me a message like that? Almost like a threat... well not really a threat but a warning. It's still all so weird... What bothers me most of all is why? Why send me something like that, why say what they said... I haven't said a thing to anyone else about it, I almost messaged everyone and asked if they'd gotten it too, but something held me back, I don't know... but why should I even be worried, am I really that different from my friends that they'd turn on me like that? Of course I'm not... am I?
...I would never confess it to anyone else, but somewhere inside, I feel like I am sometimes. Like all those times I just tune everyone out, when they're going on and on about hair or guys or clothes or just random gossip... there are days where I just totally lose interest, and can't make myself care about anything really. It just feels like so little, all that's in my life, like there's school and people and homework and sometimes soccer games, and that's like it. Even thinking back on today, I don't feel like I've really accomplished a thing except survive... and thinking back farther, that's all I can remember ever having done, for years and years, I don't know when it started being like this, but it's all I can remember. Just going through each day, never really thinking about where I'm headed or what's behind me, just one distraction after another, tv and shopping and gossip and drama about who's seeing who... Why isn't it enough for me? It's enough for everyone else... They're all perfectly content, except when they do bad on a test, or some guy dumps them or whatever. Like we all have bits of family drama here and there, but it's never anything really huge, and there are always little fights going on between people, but nothing major, and everyone seems just fine with things. It's not that I'm mad at anyone or anything, I just... I'm so bored with it all, but what else is there? Maybe I do need a job, or something, at least if I was making money I'd be doing something productive. But that doesn't sound right either, it'd be like school, just doing something where the only point is doing the work, like it doesn't lead to anything, it doesn't do anything, earning money is like earning a grade, well I guess a little more useful but still, it's such an intangible thing, like it's all just concepts, there's nothing real there... what's going on with people is something real, but even that, like it's all in this little world inside a world, we never really touch what's going on outside, like we might watch the news or talk about stuff a bit but it doesn't really touch us or concern us, all that's ever really an issue is stuff going on within that one tiny little circle...
The sharp pricking pain of tweezing my eyebrows pulls me back to earth for a minute, I'm leaned in close to the mirror, methodically neatening up the fine lines of my brows. Really, they're not bad, but it's better to keep on top of things like that, so they don't get out of control. Once that's out of the way, on goes the moisterizer, which stings a little over the small red spots where stray bits of eyebrows had been. I rinse my face with cold water this time (closes the pores back up; I used warm water on the first rinses, to let the cleansers in), pat it gently dry, and head back to my room.
It was so weird, and almost creepy, and so out of nowhere... and while I can make up a list of random people it could have been, it really doesn't sound like any of them, and it's weird that--- well I guess it's not weird that they got my screenname, it's not like I make a secret of it or anything, like it's on my MySpace and shit, I don't really care if they know it, I can always block people if they piss me off but like... why would they even send me a message like that? Almost like a threat... well not really a threat but a warning. It's still all so weird... What bothers me most of all is why? Why send me something like that, why say what they said... I haven't said a thing to anyone else about it, I almost messaged everyone and asked if they'd gotten it too, but something held me back, I don't know... but why should I even be worried, am I really that different from my friends that they'd turn on me like that? Of course I'm not... am I?
...I would never confess it to anyone else, but somewhere inside, I feel like I am sometimes. Like all those times I just tune everyone out, when they're going on and on about hair or guys or clothes or just random gossip... there are days where I just totally lose interest, and can't make myself care about anything really. It just feels like so little, all that's in my life, like there's school and people and homework and sometimes soccer games, and that's like it. Even thinking back on today, I don't feel like I've really accomplished a thing except survive... and thinking back farther, that's all I can remember ever having done, for years and years, I don't know when it started being like this, but it's all I can remember. Just going through each day, never really thinking about where I'm headed or what's behind me, just one distraction after another, tv and shopping and gossip and drama about who's seeing who... Why isn't it enough for me? It's enough for everyone else... They're all perfectly content, except when they do bad on a test, or some guy dumps them or whatever. Like we all have bits of family drama here and there, but it's never anything really huge, and there are always little fights going on between people, but nothing major, and everyone seems just fine with things. It's not that I'm mad at anyone or anything, I just... I'm so bored with it all, but what else is there? Maybe I do need a job, or something, at least if I was making money I'd be doing something productive. But that doesn't sound right either, it'd be like school, just doing something where the only point is doing the work, like it doesn't lead to anything, it doesn't do anything, earning money is like earning a grade, well I guess a little more useful but still, it's such an intangible thing, like it's all just concepts, there's nothing real there... what's going on with people is something real, but even that, like it's all in this little world inside a world, we never really touch what's going on outside, like we might watch the news or talk about stuff a bit but it doesn't really touch us or concern us, all that's ever really an issue is stuff going on within that one tiny little circle...
The sharp pricking pain of tweezing my eyebrows pulls me back to earth for a minute, I'm leaned in close to the mirror, methodically neatening up the fine lines of my brows. Really, they're not bad, but it's better to keep on top of things like that, so they don't get out of control. Once that's out of the way, on goes the moisterizer, which stings a little over the small red spots where stray bits of eyebrows had been. I rinse my face with cold water this time (closes the pores back up; I used warm water on the first rinses, to let the cleansers in), pat it gently dry, and head back to my room.
posted by Melissa @ 10:10 PM
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