-: Part 1 :-
"Another day, the story goes, he walks inside and has a drink, meets some friends. I'm sick of this script. I'm convinced we can do better than the rest of them; we have everything we need, right here. Empty eyes, information passing through. I won't ever accept what they made for me and you - I'm convinced we can do---"
"Hey Rach! What're you listening to today?"
"Oh hey, Kimmy. How are you?" I hit the stop button on my iPod and pull the headphones from my ears, wrapping them carefully around the pink fake leather of my iPod case, then slipping it all into my coat pocket. I'm not going to try to answer her question - she's never heard of a band as small as Tomorrow is Forever, and she'd just give me a huge list of all the things I should be listening to, forgetting that I've downloaded and listened to it all already. It takes her longer to get tired of whoever's popular than it takes me.
"Ugh, I'm so tired. I tried to stay home sick today, but my mom said I couldn't go to practice if I didn't go to school, and we have that big match this Friday so I can't miss any this week, y'know? But I was up a little late, remember how Dan asked me to get coffee with him after school? Well, he picked me up at four and..."
I nod once in awhile, with a few "really?"s and "yeah"s here and there. I've honed the art of pretending to listen down to a freaking science, between zoning out in class and sharing a bus stop with Kimmy. She's really nice and all, and it's really good to always have someone to sit with on the bus, but, some mornings I just really don't feel like talking... or, in this case, listening. It's Dan she went out with last night? I guess she's over Craig, then, for now anyway. Or maybe it's just to spite him, since he went to the movies with Jackie last weekend...
What the hell, I should just listen to Kimmy if that's all I'm going to think about, at least then I'd be up-to-date on things. It's way too nice out this morning to really listen to her, though... it's still pretty warm for this early in the morning in September, I really didn't need this jacket. (But, it matches everything else nicely, and Kimmy said it looks good on me, so I'll keep it on.) All the colors are still muted, the sun's up but still pale and soft, more white than daylight usually is. There's a bit of dew on the lawn, except where I walked across it, where the blades of grass are now darkened, without the tiny droplets there refracting the light. It still feels like summer, the trees are rounded and full with all their leaves emerald green, the daisies and whatever else Dad planted in front of the house are still blooming. The grass is too short still, he just cut it yesterday, I wish he'd let it grow a little more than he does, it's so much nicer to walk through or lay down in when it's longer... though, really, when we're out tanning, Kimmy always reminds me to lay on a towel, so I don't get red dents all over my skin from the grass and the ground. Not that we'll be tanning much longer, but I'm sure we'll still get a few days in before it really gets cold out. We've found lotions that work better now, but self-tanner never looks quite as good as a real tan, and most of our parents won't let us go to a tanning salon. I get so frighteningly pale in the winter, it doesn't suit me at all and I hate it.
"There's the bus!" Can't help but tune back in to her when she says something that loudly - I'm just lucky it was something important, and not her just bitching about Jackie again. Jackie's always been nice enough to me, but I can see how the Craig-thing could really get to Kim.
The bus pulls up, and the color really sort of irks me today - it doesn't fit in at all with the softness of the morning colors, it's like a giant WalMart smiley face stuck in the middle of an impressionist painting. Ick. But I climb up the grit-filled steps anyway, squeezing and slipping between backpacks, legs, arms, and people chatting across the aisle, until I reach our usual seat toward the back. (I always get on first, so I get the window and Kimmy gets the aisle seat.) I swing into the seat, and adjust my books and purse on my lap, snuggling a little into the corner of the seat and the window. It's not too cold today, the window's always a little chilly, but the... what are these seats made out of, anyway? For all the years I've stared at it, and picked at the places kids have sliced it, I have no idea. The colors vary from bus to bus, sometimes dark brown, sometimes that weird aqua-mint-pale green, but it's always the same plasticy rubbery stuff that's probably supposed to look leather-ish, with its random wrinkles and creases. I don't even know why they use that instead of just plain--- yes I do, it probably wipes clean really easily, from little kids puking and drinks spilling and everything. I wonder how many times this seat has--- alright I'm not even going to think about that, I won't be able to sit here anymore, as it is I'm going to be squirming this whole bus ride now.
I'm really tempted to pull out my iPod again, but they'll tell me I'm being antisocial again, so I won't. She's talking with Brian--- flirting, really, like that's any surprise. I wonder if the guys she hangs out with realize that everything about her is flirting with them, designed especially to get their attention and toy with it? It's pretty impressive, how well she controls all that. She knows exactly what her strong points are, and knows how to use them best. She talked me through her make-up one day, and it's insane, I mean I know how to do it and do it well, I always look alright too, but she adds touches that you don't even realize you see. Same goes for what she wears, she'll never buy anything unless it flatters her body perfectly. Which really only makes sense to do, but I mean perfectly.
---I'm still tuning her out, and still thinking about what she's saying anyway, I might as well listen.
"Don't you think Jackie's such a slut though? God I don't know why you even talk to her, she's always all over everyone. I heard she even kissed that girl - do you remember her, she moved away like right at the end of the school year last year, but she was always dressed all goth and shit, and writing poems about the rain or whatever. But Kendra told me she saw them kissing at some guy's party last year, isn't that sick? God she's such a slut, she went to the movies with Craig last weekend, and I guess she slept over at some other guy's house like the night before."
"She kissed that girl? That's kinda hot."
"EW! You're kidding right? Who'd want to see that?"
"Girls kissing is fucking hot!"
"You're sick, what the hell, I'd never do that."
"You're not even curious? C'mon, I bet there's some girl you'd totally make out with."
"Oh God, no way! Would you make out with some guy?"
"Oh no goddamn way, that's just gross."
They both start laughing, and I force a smile, pretending I'm amused, too. It bothers me a little, I know no-one around me is like actually homophobic or anything, it's just something they joke around about, but sometimes it makes my stomach knot a little, hearing jokes like that. I don't know if it's that I secretly agree with them more than I should, or that I secretly disagree with them more than I should...
"But you did make out with Katelyn over at Brandon's the other night, didn't you?"
"Well, she's not a guy."
"I didn't say she was!"
"Her tits are way too hot for her to be a guy."
"Don't talk about her like that! I don't need to hear that!"
---I can't listen to this anymore, I start idly staring out the window again. The morning's even more impressionistic now, it's not quite cold enough for the windows to be fogged (even with the number of people talking in here), but they're smudged and dirty enough to blur things a little. My vision's a little fuzzy anyway, my contacts haven't quite settled in for the day, or I'm just too tired... Watching the houses gets really boring, I've seen them all too many times before, and the lawns and gardens and trees all look the same from here... o I'm sort of watching for people, and sort of watching the patterns of the gravel and crumbling pavement at the side of the road, and sort of watching the sun peeking through the trees in everyone's yards. I keep watching to see if the sunlight does that thing where it hangs in midair, like the rays are visible, pale shimmering fabric hanging between the sky and earth... but there's no fog or anything at all this morning, guess the conditions just aren't right. I wonder if that happens with smog? I would think it would, it's really just the light catching at stuff in the air, but...
"Rach?" It wasn't my name that brought me back, it was the jab she gave me with her elbow. "What do you think?"
"Huh? Sorry, I zoned out for a minute."
She laughs lightly, though I know she's annoyed I wasn't listening to her. "Brian thinks I should go out with him, just to piss Craig off, what do you think?"
I shrug, not really sure of what reaction he'd have (if any), and not really caring what she does - she never "dates" anyone for more than a few weeks, and it really doesn't put any kind of damper on what she does with other guys. "I think just making out with some other guy in front of him would be enough to piss him off, or maybe just telling whoever he's going to go out with that night something embarrassing about him in school that day."
"Perfect!" she cries happily, grinning excitedly, her eyes shining. "That would be so much fun, I can definitely come up with something good."
"Like what?" Brian asks with a smirk.
"I'm not telling you! Not unless you have a date with Craig tonight."
"I already told you I'm not fucking gay, what the hell."
"Are you sure?"
His hand darts across the aisle as he reaches over to tickle her; she shrieks and flings herself back against me (thank God my iPod's in the other pocket). "STOOOOOP!"
"QUIET DOWN BACK THERE OR I'M STOPPING THE BUS!" The bus driver's voice is rough as ever - we see him smoking every day, whenever the bus is stopped outside the school. The whole bus goes dead silent for about five seconds, before one of the younger kids starts giggling, and then conversation resumes. I let the voices blur into the background, smudged as the moving scene outside the bus window, though the colors sound much less varied and bright...
"Hey Rach! What're you listening to today?"
"Oh hey, Kimmy. How are you?" I hit the stop button on my iPod and pull the headphones from my ears, wrapping them carefully around the pink fake leather of my iPod case, then slipping it all into my coat pocket. I'm not going to try to answer her question - she's never heard of a band as small as Tomorrow is Forever, and she'd just give me a huge list of all the things I should be listening to, forgetting that I've downloaded and listened to it all already. It takes her longer to get tired of whoever's popular than it takes me.
"Ugh, I'm so tired. I tried to stay home sick today, but my mom said I couldn't go to practice if I didn't go to school, and we have that big match this Friday so I can't miss any this week, y'know? But I was up a little late, remember how Dan asked me to get coffee with him after school? Well, he picked me up at four and..."
I nod once in awhile, with a few "really?"s and "yeah"s here and there. I've honed the art of pretending to listen down to a freaking science, between zoning out in class and sharing a bus stop with Kimmy. She's really nice and all, and it's really good to always have someone to sit with on the bus, but, some mornings I just really don't feel like talking... or, in this case, listening. It's Dan she went out with last night? I guess she's over Craig, then, for now anyway. Or maybe it's just to spite him, since he went to the movies with Jackie last weekend...
What the hell, I should just listen to Kimmy if that's all I'm going to think about, at least then I'd be up-to-date on things. It's way too nice out this morning to really listen to her, though... it's still pretty warm for this early in the morning in September, I really didn't need this jacket. (But, it matches everything else nicely, and Kimmy said it looks good on me, so I'll keep it on.) All the colors are still muted, the sun's up but still pale and soft, more white than daylight usually is. There's a bit of dew on the lawn, except where I walked across it, where the blades of grass are now darkened, without the tiny droplets there refracting the light. It still feels like summer, the trees are rounded and full with all their leaves emerald green, the daisies and whatever else Dad planted in front of the house are still blooming. The grass is too short still, he just cut it yesterday, I wish he'd let it grow a little more than he does, it's so much nicer to walk through or lay down in when it's longer... though, really, when we're out tanning, Kimmy always reminds me to lay on a towel, so I don't get red dents all over my skin from the grass and the ground. Not that we'll be tanning much longer, but I'm sure we'll still get a few days in before it really gets cold out. We've found lotions that work better now, but self-tanner never looks quite as good as a real tan, and most of our parents won't let us go to a tanning salon. I get so frighteningly pale in the winter, it doesn't suit me at all and I hate it.
"There's the bus!" Can't help but tune back in to her when she says something that loudly - I'm just lucky it was something important, and not her just bitching about Jackie again. Jackie's always been nice enough to me, but I can see how the Craig-thing could really get to Kim.
The bus pulls up, and the color really sort of irks me today - it doesn't fit in at all with the softness of the morning colors, it's like a giant WalMart smiley face stuck in the middle of an impressionist painting. Ick. But I climb up the grit-filled steps anyway, squeezing and slipping between backpacks, legs, arms, and people chatting across the aisle, until I reach our usual seat toward the back. (I always get on first, so I get the window and Kimmy gets the aisle seat.) I swing into the seat, and adjust my books and purse on my lap, snuggling a little into the corner of the seat and the window. It's not too cold today, the window's always a little chilly, but the... what are these seats made out of, anyway? For all the years I've stared at it, and picked at the places kids have sliced it, I have no idea. The colors vary from bus to bus, sometimes dark brown, sometimes that weird aqua-mint-pale green, but it's always the same plasticy rubbery stuff that's probably supposed to look leather-ish, with its random wrinkles and creases. I don't even know why they use that instead of just plain--- yes I do, it probably wipes clean really easily, from little kids puking and drinks spilling and everything. I wonder how many times this seat has--- alright I'm not even going to think about that, I won't be able to sit here anymore, as it is I'm going to be squirming this whole bus ride now.
I'm really tempted to pull out my iPod again, but they'll tell me I'm being antisocial again, so I won't. She's talking with Brian--- flirting, really, like that's any surprise. I wonder if the guys she hangs out with realize that everything about her is flirting with them, designed especially to get their attention and toy with it? It's pretty impressive, how well she controls all that. She knows exactly what her strong points are, and knows how to use them best. She talked me through her make-up one day, and it's insane, I mean I know how to do it and do it well, I always look alright too, but she adds touches that you don't even realize you see. Same goes for what she wears, she'll never buy anything unless it flatters her body perfectly. Which really only makes sense to do, but I mean perfectly.
---I'm still tuning her out, and still thinking about what she's saying anyway, I might as well listen.
"Don't you think Jackie's such a slut though? God I don't know why you even talk to her, she's always all over everyone. I heard she even kissed that girl - do you remember her, she moved away like right at the end of the school year last year, but she was always dressed all goth and shit, and writing poems about the rain or whatever. But Kendra told me she saw them kissing at some guy's party last year, isn't that sick? God she's such a slut, she went to the movies with Craig last weekend, and I guess she slept over at some other guy's house like the night before."
"She kissed that girl? That's kinda hot."
"EW! You're kidding right? Who'd want to see that?"
"Girls kissing is fucking hot!"
"You're sick, what the hell, I'd never do that."
"You're not even curious? C'mon, I bet there's some girl you'd totally make out with."
"Oh God, no way! Would you make out with some guy?"
"Oh no goddamn way, that's just gross."
They both start laughing, and I force a smile, pretending I'm amused, too. It bothers me a little, I know no-one around me is like actually homophobic or anything, it's just something they joke around about, but sometimes it makes my stomach knot a little, hearing jokes like that. I don't know if it's that I secretly agree with them more than I should, or that I secretly disagree with them more than I should...
"But you did make out with Katelyn over at Brandon's the other night, didn't you?"
"Well, she's not a guy."
"I didn't say she was!"
"Her tits are way too hot for her to be a guy."
"Don't talk about her like that! I don't need to hear that!"
---I can't listen to this anymore, I start idly staring out the window again. The morning's even more impressionistic now, it's not quite cold enough for the windows to be fogged (even with the number of people talking in here), but they're smudged and dirty enough to blur things a little. My vision's a little fuzzy anyway, my contacts haven't quite settled in for the day, or I'm just too tired... Watching the houses gets really boring, I've seen them all too many times before, and the lawns and gardens and trees all look the same from here... o I'm sort of watching for people, and sort of watching the patterns of the gravel and crumbling pavement at the side of the road, and sort of watching the sun peeking through the trees in everyone's yards. I keep watching to see if the sunlight does that thing where it hangs in midair, like the rays are visible, pale shimmering fabric hanging between the sky and earth... but there's no fog or anything at all this morning, guess the conditions just aren't right. I wonder if that happens with smog? I would think it would, it's really just the light catching at stuff in the air, but...
"Rach?" It wasn't my name that brought me back, it was the jab she gave me with her elbow. "What do you think?"
"Huh? Sorry, I zoned out for a minute."
She laughs lightly, though I know she's annoyed I wasn't listening to her. "Brian thinks I should go out with him, just to piss Craig off, what do you think?"
I shrug, not really sure of what reaction he'd have (if any), and not really caring what she does - she never "dates" anyone for more than a few weeks, and it really doesn't put any kind of damper on what she does with other guys. "I think just making out with some other guy in front of him would be enough to piss him off, or maybe just telling whoever he's going to go out with that night something embarrassing about him in school that day."
"Perfect!" she cries happily, grinning excitedly, her eyes shining. "That would be so much fun, I can definitely come up with something good."
"Like what?" Brian asks with a smirk.
"I'm not telling you! Not unless you have a date with Craig tonight."
"I already told you I'm not fucking gay, what the hell."
"Are you sure?"
His hand darts across the aisle as he reaches over to tickle her; she shrieks and flings herself back against me (thank God my iPod's in the other pocket). "STOOOOOP!"
"QUIET DOWN BACK THERE OR I'M STOPPING THE BUS!" The bus driver's voice is rough as ever - we see him smoking every day, whenever the bus is stopped outside the school. The whole bus goes dead silent for about five seconds, before one of the younger kids starts giggling, and then conversation resumes. I let the voices blur into the background, smudged as the moving scene outside the bus window, though the colors sound much less varied and bright...
posted by Melissa @ 9:57 PM
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